BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Life Lessons 19
DESCRIBE AN "AHA" MOMENT WHERE YOU FINALLY RECOGNIZED HOW A PAST MOMENT SHAPED YOU.
There have been more “aha” moments in the last six months than there’ve been in the last six years - and longer. Therapy is a wonderful - deep, and terrifying - thing. And yet, I show up every week and go with whatever needs to be dealt with in the session.
I’ve done a lot of work over the last few decades to connect all of the dots of my life to figure out how I got from there to here. I thought I had a lot of it figured out after years of daily practices that included journaling, meditation, and card pulls, revealing many stories. Often leaving me with more questions than answers - that’s the journey I’m on right now. I’ve always been a work in progress and I’m determined to be the best version of myself.
When I connect the dots, I realize that more than a few of my past experiences inform how I parent. My children are four points on a compass - the only thing they all have in common is me. I appreciate that though they continue to bicker, for the most part they get along and appreciate their differences. In fact, Claire has flown out to see friends in Calgary and will be spending half her time with Cole. Willingly. She wouldn’t have even let him know she was there if she didn’t want to see him, but she did, and I’m super happy about it. They have shared experiences, and most of their stories I know nothing about, and I know that to be a good thing! All four of them are profoundly empathetic and deeply intelligent. They all allow each other to be themselves, and for the most part, as long as they’re not playing a board game, they bring out the best in each other. I think my years of witnessing them rather than micromanaging them has created an undeniable bond between all of them. I interjected myself when situations became out of hand - either by volume or physical altercation.
There are a few specific moments in my past, but I think the culmination of being raised by a cruel and manipulative woman who had no business having children, a man who was focused solely on his career ambitions and the satisfaction brought by corporate victories, shaped how I am as a parent. My sisters and I were simply on earth because that’s how things were done. We were too busy being told how to think, and act, and believe that did not allow questioning or even the cursory review to see if what we were told was true. Everyone believed what we were told, not what we witnessed with our own eyes and ears. Critical thinking was too scary a prospect for either of my parents and gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and absense became the norm. As the authorities, my parents resented any form of challenge. As a kid and teen I managed to do my job as a rebellious oldest child well. Though, in conversations with professionals and peers, my behaviour was tame in comparison. When I was a kid, I simply figured that if I were being blamed for doing things I didn’t, I might as well have some fun and do them!
At any rate, that’s a very long-winded way to say that I did NOT take a page or paragraph, or even sentence from my parents “how to raise children” playbook. I am far from perfect, (that would have been super boring!), but I decided early on that I would not do anything to create issues for my kids. Life was going to do that all by itself. I decided my job was to protect them and cheer them on whether or not I agreed with their choices. I was raising adults-in-training, not children. I treated them with respect and support. So far, so good!