NOW | I Want
Wow. It’s been a beat since I’ve been here at my home on the www. My quiet and orderly life kind of exploded, not in a bad way at all, just me saying more “yes” than “no” to opportunities. I took some time to gather myself together and gear up to take Bill home with my kids (and dogs) over the Thanksgiving weekend; I’m dealing with more house construction that has proven to be more time-consuming than I expected; and, I raised my hand first to produce a newsletter for our local CFUW group, and now I find I’m a co-VP and co-leader of the Rovers (imagine local field trips) group. It’s all fun, and I’m happy to have made those choices. To do those things, I had to abandon some things that I love.
Lately, in my free time, I’m taking a couple of writing courses. It’s the middle of NaNoWriMo which has me writing a story a day just to get the gunk out so that I can have room to write the light and lovely elevated chick lit I know I have in me. Simultaneously, I’ve joined a remote writing group facilitated by a woman I’ve long admired (the participants are crazy talented!). I’m also in a small live-and-in-person writing group which has us tapping into our long-neglected* intuition to write. *Speaking for myself only.
It was that last group that gave me a tough homework assignment. You see, generally, except for books and world peace, I want for little. I’m content with my life and how I show up in it. It was tough to come up with things after about #8, but I spent a few days on it and managed my list of 100 things.
I WANT …
To live a life of integrity, love, and daily joy
To continue to foster healthy relationships with my adult children
To practice alignment with no fear of reprisal
To feel safe
To find a way (without being white saviour woman) to make potable water available to everyone who needs it
To give a lot of money each year to Covenant House in memory of my time on the streets of Toronto
To get back into my daily metaphysical practices: oracle card pull, guided meditation, journaling
To make decisions based on whether or not the situation serves my highest good - not the agenda of others
To write ALL of the stories I have inside of me, with no expectation of publication, write because the stories need to be told, I want Spirit to support me and help me gather endless quality story ideas
To ease my dogs’ ear pain - there seems to be nothing that can be done
To spend part of February in Turks + Caicos with one, two, or three out of my four kids, every year – I’ll find someplace on the west coast for Cole
To know that I am enough when I wake up, when I go to sleep, and every minute in between
To encourage curiosity and growth in myself and others
To lose 10, then 20, then 30, then 40, then 50, then 60, then 70, then 80, then 90, then 100 pounds
To eat better, more consistently - starvation mode is not working for me
To avoid the drama of shame, blame, judge, and general meanness - truly, if that’s all you bring, go away
To get into shape to walk in Tuscany with Colette, Claire and the group in April
To visit with my therapist, life coach, and energy reiki master regularly
To continue with weekly visits to the chiropractor, RMT, acupuncturist, and lymph drainage RMT
To stay open to new-to-me modalities for self-care
To MOVE more, consistently, every day WITH EASE. This includes buying a Pelaton to use daily (as well as my reformer Pilates machine, rebounder, Pulser vibration machine, inversion table, and treadmill)
To put all memories of Bill (wallet, passport, glasses, etc) in the bamboo box that once carried his ashes
To organize a woo night with a medium for my friends (reminder: follow up with Elyse’s Yolanda lady)
To make room in my heart to be loved again as I deserve to be, at the very least stay open to the possibility
To live in an entirely constructed home - with dust eradicated – with nothing left to do, ever
To become a tub person now that I have the most expensive (and sexy) one known to human kind in my home
To continue to say yes to invitations and meet more people new to me
To live my weekends in pajamas, no bra, and chunky sweaters all winter long
To have a mid-week pajama day - maybe Wednesdays will work best?
To travel to Greenland and Iceland, maybe the Faroe Islands, too
To have a proper home in my home for everything that is in it - get rid of the rest
To purge all of the clothes, books, housewares, and appliances that I don’t need
To be rid of my psoriasis
To stay active in CFUW and open to other community groups in the area
To go to the TIFF films in Owen Sound on Mondays
To continue organizing monthly dinners out with the ladies - keep finding new places to eat, grateful to more that are opening!
To get back to my 2x daily meditation practice - find and use my Sensate
To eradicate the pain in my hips, shoulder, elbow, and lower back
To make better use of my time – be not do, yes, but be better
To do only the things that fill me up and bring me joy
To hire a really good accountant for future needs (read: grandchildren)
To read all of the books on my shelves and in the piles and put reviews on my bookstagram and Goodreads
To put a landscape plan together for the backyard and then execute it
To enjoy Chloé’s graduation trip to Canyon Ranch in Tucson – then plan a trip for the boys in 2025
To make and print my 10th Anniversary “Reflect and Manifest” prompt book
To decide my priorities and stick with them until they aren’t anymore, then find new priorities
To enjoy a visit with my cousins - in New Brunswick - in May to research my childhood (0-4) and hear their stories
To remember that people show up from a place within themselves; it has nothing to do with me
To wear all the Camilla I want
To make an extensive travel list and send it to Erica - stop dreaming and start visiting
To continue my research on goddess and female empowerment
To discover new seasonal cocktails, it’s so much fun!
To continue listening to new-to-me music, alt-rock is my favourite but surprisingly, I’m enjoying the stories in country/alt/folk music; and, keep making playlists that make me happy on Spotify
To finish the last credit required toward my UofT certification in creative writing
To collect all of my camera lenses and take more photos with my dSLR - and post online
To take photos of a month of sunrises
To take photos of a month of sunsets
To learn how to take photos of the night sky - especially the moon phases, meteor showers, and Aurora Borealis
To travel to Finland or Norway and sleep outside in the forest - amid the trees and stars - in one of those clear bubble rooms
To find practices to replace One Little Word and BestSelf prompts on the blog
To write a story a day, every day
To clean out all of the freezers by using up all of the meat and only buy more when it’s all gone
To make a protein smoothie for breakfast every day (or hot steel-cut oats, depending on the weather)
To use all of the TRANONT products as directed
To clean out the pantry and have only things I use, not things for recipes I haven’t made (and likely never will)
To design and make a recipe book for the kids - spiral-bound
To create necklaces and bracelets with all of the gem beads I’ve collected
To have my children listen to and trust their instincts when it comes to choosing life partners
To decide whether I should write on SubStack or continue on my blog
To make books out of my numerous blog series over the years, even if they’re incomplete
To participate more on Middle Years Monday
To stay in touch with the incredible women I’ve met at the Book Mama retreat, so talented!
To propagate my plants - find proper potting soil! Oh, and buy African Violets to honour my Nannie.
To make some needlepoint art again, find the things that brought me joy when I was younger and do them again
To receive the large art piece commissioned for the entry
To learn how to listen to podcasts and audiobooks, I find it hard to concentrate outside book form
To be calm through inevitable chaos
To take myself on field trips - either with a group or by myself on my self-curated list of places to visit
To hire a full-time cook and maybe a housekeeper
To take a cruise down the Danube, as Bill and I talked about
To have more patience when people give me more details than I can possibly remember (I can barely remember names!)
To decide what kind of digital project I want to create next year, if any (* gasp *)
To buy the property next door and put on 4 dwellings for the kids and host women’s retreats
To make sure the new backyard includes what I miss from my old home: lighting, sails, gas firepit, and bubbler
To re-home the English elms in the front so Dave and Christina can have a view of the water (get rid of the spiteful juju of the previous owner who was odious - evidence has proven this to be true)
To figure out how to watch Hallmark movies now that Eastlink has gotten rid of the W channel. When is Rogers coming North?
To watch all the movies (not just Hallmark) - and remember the endings
To get over my claustrophobic fear of deep water (lake, ocean) and what’s in it that I can’t see
To go out to dinner - me and a book or movie downloaded - at least once each week
To learn how to use my Apple Pencil on the iPad to put my handwriting on digital projects
To shred all of the paperwork in my office and organize the files
To make my garage look like a showroom with proper cupboards, hanging slats, painted floor
To do all I can to make sure Doug Ford, Pierre Poilievre, and Trump don’t get back/into office
To sing at karaoke with friends
To attend a real lobster boil in PEI (or anywhere in the Maritimes) on the beach or church hall
To get all of the lighting and electrical right in my home (dimmer switches everywhere and more plugs!)
To have the dog washing station all set up and working with cupboards to hold all dog paraphernalia
To say a final goodbye to the generational trauma borne into my family, knowing I have passed down little, if any, to my kids
To do all I can to encourage and facilitate world peace - my contributions will be but a drop, but they’ll be there
To slow time - November is going by in a blink!