BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Self-Awareness 17
DESCRIBE A TIME WHEN YOU WERE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY.
Imagine being a human pinball.
When I was young, I believed what I was told about myself by those “who knew better,” those who accused me of being many terrible things (liar, thief, cheat, drug addict/dealer, slut, drunk). As a direct result, I sabotaged myself by agreeing with them. I figured if I was being blamed (and punished) for those behaviours, I might as well ‘enjoy’ the fun of it, right? I didn’t fully throw myself into any of it, except I will admit to being a liar (to cover my overwhelm) and slut (because I discovered that sex is fun.) I travelled a dark journey that never seemed to have an end. I spent decades reacting to situations; I never took a step back to see what was happening around me. I knew the source. I didn’t have the wherewithal or maturity to deal with it and care for myself. My life was suction cupped to my face, and I couldn’t see anything; there was no space for self-awareness.
With time, distance, and an incredible amount of inner work, those days are long gone, kind of. They still inform a number of my decisions, especially when it comes to parenting. I am a completely different person when I feel safe, and no one in my life actively sabotages me and my efforts to show up as my real and authentic self.
It’s fascinating how behaviours and situations that happened in your formative years stay with you throughout your life.
In early November, I got a note from a friend participating in the “Sleep Out” for Covenant House. I remember my time living on the streets of Toronto, having been kicked out of my family home on numerous occasions for being “too wild” or non-conforming, real or imagined. Plenty of emotions were stirred up when I got the support request, and I sent a modest amount to the fundraising request and a substantial donation, equal to the heartache it triggered, to the organization. I forwarded the original donation request to all of my kids with a note “A little-known fact, I spent a lot of time on the streets of Toronto as a kid. Not by choice. Covenant House is something I’m happy to support - and they have the only ads that regularly bring me to tears.” I do hope they all donated as well.