BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Life Lessons 21
DESCRIBE A LIFE LESSON THAT TOOK YOU MORE THAN ONCE TO LEARN.
Ah yes, I often find myself in the remedial class re-learning what I already “know.”
The one thing I’ve learned, one that never leaves, is that life is not linear. You repeat lessons all along the way as you go along the spiral of experience. Especially if you, like me, are curious and hungry to learn new things - and make zero assumptions about anything or anyone.
It took me a long time to learn that I control nothing but myself. I control my actions and my reactions, and that’s about it. Sometimes I get frustrated when a situation doesn't turn out how I had hoped or expected. I have to remind myself that we are all creatures of free will, and I have to allow others to experience their own story. I cannot save anyone from pain or harm; all I can do is support them through their experience with my boundaries firmly in place and with as much patience as I can gather.
Right, patience. We have a long and rocky relationship. I admit to having exceedingly little patience with those who choose to repeat destructive patterns or decisions - that includes myself. I am often frustrated with either “imposter syndrome” or the idea I can’t do something well, or even passably, the first time. It’s ridiculous to expect to be competent on my first attempt, but I believe that is more about how I was raised and the society I was born into than anything else. That being the case, the only one able to fix my outlook is me - and practice. I must be willing to fail to succeed in anything.
Lately, my lesson has been in communication. Not everyone communicates in the same way. I think I’m clear in my relaying my thoughts and feelings, but to some people, they don’t understand what I’m saying. I used to think they were playing with me, being willfully obstinant or obtuse. I was wrong. We all frame information based on our own experiences. That, and whatever learning challenges we all have. Yes. We ALL have. Like everything, it’s a matter of degree. Everything is fluid.
The BIG lesson: the only person who needs to love me is me. It was a hard lesson to learn, and sometimes I need a reminder. Every once in a while, I run up against the ingrained belief that I am not wanted and not welcome anywhere. It’s a residual feeling directly from my mother, with her accomplice (anything to make his life easier - go along to get along no matter who else it hurts) father. It took a long time and a lot of work (read: therapy) to take the charge and pain out of that narrative. Depending on the situation, I find myself back there every once in a while, but less and less frequently as the years go by. I am careful not to pass on any of her toxic traits and do my best to find the good in any situation. Sometimes it takes a deep breath and a “just do it” attitude; sometimes, it’s about giving myself permission to be uncomfortable with the option to leave if it becomes unbearable, and sometimes situations surprise me completely. The only thing I know to do is show up, show up for me, always. I’ve managed to survive, and thrive, in every challenge … so far.