BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Exposed 15

WHAT WAS MISSING FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? 

A lot was missing, which I learned over time by being exposed to the lives outside of my own, that of my friends and extended family. Missing was love and kindness; empathy and compassion; understanding and grace; consistency and calm; respect, support, and trust.

There was plenty of the rest: selfishness, cruelty, gaslighting, disloyalty, hypocrisy, humiliation, anger, false accusations, emotional blackmail, and narcissism.

The stories of shouldering the blame for the actions of the adults; or the adults taking credit for my accomplishments are abundant and often contradictory. I still shake my head at the other adults in the room who bore witness without challenge. I will forever be in debt to those women who stood up, took me in, and taught me by words and example right from wrong. It is those women who taught me how to be an effective parent and friend.

After speaking with others raised in similar circumstances, our stories are much the same. Some, like mine, have a more bible-thumping perspective (save me from the memories of United Church women!), but the bad behaviour of the adults who were supposed to love, nurture, and care for us is similar. Now that I’ve had some time to process much of it - with and without professional help - there were a lot of really good lessons learned.

My survivors’ toolbelt includes:

Well-honed observational skills since I was to be seen and not heard. I can tell by listening and observing body language whether or not someone is lying. Usually, I just let it go: you be you, I’m not the behaviour police. Unless it would harm me or someone I love.

I have no time for secrets or lies. I can be counted on to name the elephant in the room. Only once everyone is on the same page can healing begin.

Shame, blame, obligation, and guilt, are not parenting tools. They are signs of immaturity and often a good indication of worse behaviours.

Apologizing later is a bully tactic.

Tears are healing, they are not always a sign of manipulation.

My dad was right, “fair does not mean equal.” I wish I didn’t have to learn that daily.

I always listen to the children. I always choose the children. They do not have an agenda.

I don’t know that anyone has an idyllic childhood - the kind we see in movies or read in books. One thing I learned is that you can only fix history going forward, and I did the best I could with what I had for my children. Was their childhood perfect? Ha! I doubt it. All I can say is that I was present, honest, consistent, and encouraging - I still am. The only deal I’ve made with all of them is when they go to therapy (and, of their own volition, they all have), I will pay for it since I’ve little doubt that I’m part of the cause.

Once I learned to love myself, then I became more of the mother my children deserved. I appreciate their patience!