BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Courage 21

WHAT CONVERSATION DO YOU NEED TO HAVE TO SET YOURSELF FREE?

This prompt had me realize that I’ve had the conversations. I am free: completely, fantastically, magically, and gratefully free. It took a lot of work to get here, but my key learning was:

People do show you who they are, and how they behave toward you has little to nothing to do with you; it simply reflects how they see themselves. It’s true that what people say about you is none of your business primarily because they aren’t talking about the true you; they talk about the you they have in their own heads, which rarely has anything to do with your reality. For YEARS, indeed, still, my dad believes the lies my mother told him about me, and it informs many of his opinions. I’ve long since given up defending myself. My actions, my choices, how I’ve raised my kids, how I show up in the world, have proven that I was never that person, and it’s not up to me to convince anyone otherwise. Though it does make me sad, I have set myself free.

I truly despise the whole philosophy of “it was done to me, so I’ll do it to you” - whether it be dealing with office politics, raising kids, team dynamics, or any number of human interactions - the whole idea of “trickle down” anything means that someone who is starting out and working really hard, is being pissed on. There are a few things I believe you get by being human; you don’t need to earn. You have a right to eat, sleep, education, heath-care, and safety. Beyond that you have a right to love and be loved, respect and be respected, tolerate and be tolerated. We all have the right to turn down the volume, turn the channel, and cut off the things that hurt us. We are all responsible for ourselves and our choices. We are also part of a collective, which means we’re responsible for the whole, the we not me. After many conversations, I got here, to this place in my heart, and I realized that all of the ancestral wounds stop with me.

I’ve always been that person who notices the elephant in the room and gives it a name; sometimes, I serve it tea. This makes many people uncomfortable. That is not my intent yet it doesn’t stop me. I believe that the only way to set anything free is by facing it and dealing with it. Many believe that you are “protecting” others by not telling them the truth or by keeping secrets. I know that both of those acts result in hurt, and misunderstandings; they often mushroom out of control as one lie is said to cover another. I’ve learned by experience and example that the only way to set myself free is to have honest and kind conversations. Lately, I’ve been using the phrase “kind, not nice,” and that is who I am. Nice is the pretty bow often used to not quite tell the whole truth, to “spare” someone hurt feelings. Honestly? I’d rather have hurt feelings in the short term than unknown consequences suffered by poor communication or a need to control an outcome.

What conversations do you need to have? What’s stopping you?