HOLSTEE | Resilience
Resilience, a hallmark of my personality, was the theme for September. Recently, I’ve thought that I’d really have preferred a life that required less resilience. People comment on my ability like it’s some kind of superpower, and the reality is that resilience is a skill perfected out of trauma. I’ve had too much practice in my life, having to overcome the behaviour of others to simply survive.
Unlike past workbooks, I decided NOT to fully participate in the exercises. At this point in my evolution, I’m focused on moving forward, not looking back to see how I could have handled a situation better. It’s all ancient history, and I’m dealing with enough of that in my weekly therapy sessions (highly recommend)!
What I have learned is: not to take anything personally since most things are out of my control; all situations can be improved, and moments can be painful, but they are not representative of my whole life. Adversity, when it doesn’t break you, is simply a catalyst for inspiration, creativity, and, ultimately, greatness. I’ve chosen to tap out of the blame game and am finding ways to flow while carrying with me all of the lessons learned, providing a spark for growth. I turn shit into sunshine, and when I can’t, I simply move on.
I did participate in the 30-Day Challenge, which was to simply take a moment to assess how you feel - body and mind - and relax, breathe, then reassess. Since I do breathing exercises and meditate most days anyway, it was a nice reminder to do it more regularly.
The other reminder, which I definitely needed as I’m gearing up to write more stories, was a quick outline of Joseph Campbell’s “A Hero’s Journey,” which had me record a few short outlines related to my own personal journey. It confirmed that I can do hard things - and I have. Life doesn’t have to traumatize us, it can galvanize us and have us move forward with optimism and appreciation for all that we have and all that we bring to the world.
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
ICEBREAKERS
Who do you turn to for advice when you feel stuck?
Often getting input from others makes for more confusion, I tend to keep my own counsel and turn inward. Or I’ll simply pull an oracle card from one of my many decks asking for guidance with a specific issue. Inevitably the cards provide a new perspective, whether I feel it’s related to the situation or not. Sometimes it takes a few beats but the new view is often exactly what was needed.
If you could choose to have no more challenges or obstacles in life, would you?
I’d choose more non-consequential challenges. Little bumps in the road keep things interesting. I think it’s unrealistic to choose no obstacles because to do that, you have to check out of life completely. I want to be fully engaged with more time in between bumps to catch my breath.
What are you holding on to that you need to let go of?
Gotta say, I’ve released everything. I’ve been thinking of this question all month and can’t think of one thing I’m still hanging on to. August provided me with many shifts that helped me release and realize truly and deeply that what is meant for me will find me. The rest? It really doesn’t matter. I’m ridiculously zen at the moment. Next month? Who knows. (That said, I continue to physically hold onto Bill’s ashes which need to be brought home to the Bellisle Bay and released exactly as he wanted. With Covid-19 numbers steadily increasing (AGAIN), I’m not comfortable taking that trip. As for Bill, I have released my energetic attachment so that he is free to make some good trouble.)
What is a recent challenge that you’re proud of yourself for working through?
The last time I was in Cape Cod was September 2019 with Chloé and Caden - one of the last times I’d see my dad or his wife until early this September. So much has happened in the three years in between. His wife is not a particularly kind woman who is competitive, controlling, and casually cruel. Over the years, she has done much to hurt me, and I have spent too much time making my dad’s life easy by not reacting to her, as he demanded. The only thing in life I can control is my response to people and situations - but boundaries are hard. I was not looking forward to this trip, not in the least! It was putting all of my deep and personal “work” to the test, and I was afraid I’d fail. I did not. I didn’t take any of the bait and had a thoroughly pleasant time, even without the wine! My children were more than a little surprised, dissecting all of the conversations and analyzing what would have normally triggered me. It turns out that the work is still in progress, but with some firmly constructed boundaries. I honoured the hell out of each one of them.
DEEPER QUESTIONS
Is there a difficult moment in your life that you wouldn’t go back and change, even if you could?
I wouldn’t change anything. I wouldn’t be who I am without the difficult moments. I like who I am. I’ve worked hard to become who I need me to be.
What mistake in life have you learned the most from?
Allowing the agendas of others to manage my choices.
What is the hardest thing you’re going through right now?
I’m having a crisis of purpose. My life doesn’t resemble anything I had planned or even dreamt about - there have been so many unexpected turns in the last three or four years. The future I had planned with Bill came to a quick end, with his death, all of the plans and ideas died with him and left me rudderless. Now that my kids are navigating their own paths, and my retirement is well underway, I find that I’m not used to not being productive and engaged every day. I can feel the coming of my Saturn Return set to arrive next March and last through December 2023. It is my second return, and I expect it to be a period of getting serious about how I show up, decide what my legacy will be, and what I’m here to leave for the world as a whole. I know we all have a purpose, but I often find myself at a loss for a direction. I need for it to have a form: be a tangible, physical thing - not anything abstract. I’m at a loss for where to look! (Can you tell I still need to work on my patience?)
What is one moment in your life that changed course because of an action you took?
One? I suppose my accepting the transfer to Calgary from Buffalo, NY, in August 1991 was the one moment that changed the course of my adult life. I made the decision without consulting anyone, it simply had to be done. My time in Buffalo was over, especially when my dad was repeatedly calling, asking when I was going to get married and have kids. There were ZERO prospects for either romantic partnership or promotion at work. Some would say I went from the frying pan (Mark Holt) to the fire (Serge Darkazanli), and they would be right. One was a power-hungry egomaniac, and the other was a tyrant - I learned a lot from both, and sadly, my personal skill set had me last far longer than most.
What about you? How do you have to be resilient?