HOLSTEE | Kinship

February is the month to focus on Kinship. The workbook contains a wonderful line: “it’s not just about the family we are born into, it’s about the connections we share with those around us.” I have always been on the outside looking in to my family. It was designed that way and it hurt being exiled; but, it instilled in me the deep desire to not be the kind of person who alienates another and discerning enough to identify who people are, not who they say they are. I’ve been able to make friends at all ages and stages of my life. One of my great joys is when I’m able to connect people with others who they might not necessarily meet otherwise in a mutually beneficial relationship.

Also in the workbook was a reminder to me of my greatest friend by way of a quote: “Anam is the Gaelic word for soul and cara is the word for friend. So anam cara in the Celtic world was the ‘soul friend.’” — a John O’Donohue quote. As my birthday gift to myself in 2020, I had the Celtic Triquetra and the words Anam Cara tattooed onto my right wrist to honour Bill and how much he means to me. Our love for each other transcends time and space, truly a soul level connection. He was my one true kin and I welcome all reminders of him.

As always, the workbook was filled with fabulous information and exercises. I really enjoyed exploring how to build depth in the relationships I treasure; how to sustain connection with those I truly appreciate in my life. I have a small but mighty group of friends whom I love to the moon and back.

ICEBREAKERS

Who was your first true friend?

I have a vague recollection of spending time with the daughter of my parent’s friends’ down the street in Saint John - Peggy something on Kelton Street. We moved when I turned four so who knows how accurate that memory might be. Then there was Laura? Laurie? Laurel? who lived down the street from us in Cleveland. I suppose she qualifies as my first real friend that I made myself. I know that for sure as I distinctly remember that our mothers did not get on at all.

Who is one of your oldest friends? What is a meaningful experience that you shared?

We moved a lot and in the days before social media it was harder to keep in touch - especially when many of us changed our last names when we married. I am in that last group of dinosaurs! I’m finding oodles of old friends now that we’re all divorcing and taking back our names!

One of my oldest friends I met at school in Grade 4. It was mid-year and it was a complete culture shock going from my friends at public school to a group of girls in a posh private school. Talk about fish out of water! For the years I was at the school she was nothing but lovely and kind, she and ended up being “Head Girl” in her final year - no surprise there. We, of course, lost touch over the years but I always remembered her. She is the reason my eldest is named Claire as my grade school friend was/is one of the kindest women I’ve ever known. It was a delightful surprise to be reunited with her when our boys were at the same school, in the same grade, many years later.

Describe something you’ve learned from someone younger than you.

What have I not learned from someone younger than me? There is one particular friend, she must be at least 20 years my junior and we met at a writing workshop. She was so unabashedly candid and owned her whole self, her lifestyle, her choices, all of it. She showed me how to live life to the fullest with no apology. Hers is not a perfect life, but it is authentic and that’s a wonderful way to live.

DEEPER QUESTIONS

In what period of life have you made your closest friends? How did those friendships form?

Definitely in my 40s and 50s. I had a better idea of who I wanted to be and who I wanted to share my time and energy with as I navigated my increasingly complicated life. I met most of my friends in my neighbourhoods, courses/interests and via my kids schools and extra-curricular activities. Even through moves and the kids growing up and out of their needing a chauffeur/cheerleader, I’ve maintained all of those relationships that bring out the best in me. I’ve let go of anyone that no longer serves my highest good: no more sense of competition or lack. I learned that for me, curating a small and intimate group of friends is far more rewarding than a huge number of surface-level friends.

How does vulnerability play a role in your friendships?

I’m a believer that vulnerability is a strength - the key to courage. It’s not possible to be too vulnerable with people who love and support you and who you can trust with your big emotions and difficult stories that come with being human.

Who do you always turn to in a moment of crisis? Describe a time they were there for you.

I have a group of girlfriends who were invaluable to me when Bill died. I was devastated - for months. As grateful as I was for him being in my life, my grief was as deep as our love. I didn’t think I’d be able to function. Life doesn’t stop because you do. Within four months of his passing, my youngest was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. My ladies were integral to my catching my breath. I am beyond grateful for their love, understanding, and support.

Is it better to let relationships ebb and flow or intentionally maintain them?

I believe that depends on the relationship. I have some friends where I can simply pick up where we left off months and even years before. Some other relationships need more care and keeping lines of communication open. Everyone is different. Regardless, I am always delighted to see everyone who has invited me into their lives. I am grateful for all of them.

What about you? How does your community show up for you in your life, and how do you show up for them?