HOLSTEE | Integrity
On one of the first pages of the month’s practice were these words: “Nested within you is a set of virtues. Dig deep, pull back the layers, and discover what it means to be you.” And that’s exactly what this Holstee practice has been for me, peeling away the layers to realize who I am - how I show up in the world, becoming my true and authentic self with lots of self-compassion and humility.
This was an intensely deep dive into what makes me tick. Between discovering what the six universal virtues and corresponding character traits applied to me; learning about the golden mean and the weekly challenge to be more honest, which was not as tough as I expected it to be. I’m becoming more and more candid and clear with myself and others the more life I live. The applied ethics? Well, that was more of a challenge, not about good and bad, but who am I to apply my own code to others? Overall, I think it was a productive month where I was able to get a good look at who I am and who I want to be in a measurable way.
“It’s your life, but only if you make it so. The standards by which you live must be your own standards, your own values, your own convictions in regard to what is right and wrong, what is true and false, what is important and what is trivial.”
ICEBREAKERS
How did you learn right from wrong?
That is something of a miracle, given the dysfunction I was born into. I suppose I learned it in school - like, seriously, in Kindergarten and Sunday School.
Is there anything too serious to be joked about?
I find humour a great way to start hard conversations or broach uncomfortable topics. I don’t find anything humorous about cloaking racism, ageism, ableism, sexism, all of the isms in humour. I certainly don’t find anything that would humiliate anyone to be funny, either.
Do intentions more or less than actions?
I think they go hand-in-hand. You need to start with intention and then follow up with action. There has to be both consistency and continuity to get from concept (intention) to goal (action).
Do you believe more in justice or forgiveness?
That’s a pretty transactional approach, and I don’t do that anymore. And I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. What I do believe is that forgiveness is what we give ourselves, and justice is what we dole to society.
DEEPER QUESTIONS
When was the last time you changed your mind about a firmly held belief?
I’ve learned to firmly hold onto curiosity and growth. I’m constantly changing my mind as I learn more. The last firmly held belief that I released was the idea that somehow I deserved all of the bad things that happened to me when I was younger. I believed that somehow I was responsible for the bad behaviour, the casual cruelty, of the adults around me. Control and perfection are constructs that are impossible to attain. I had no control (still have none). I couldn’t be perfect. I’d never measure up because I was being measured against the impossible. I always failed because there was no decision or direction in which I could excel. Note on control to those self-professed “control freaks” in my life, you are weak and impose your insecurities on the rest of us to feel like you have power. What you need is therapy. A lot of it.
When have you had to stand up for someone or something?
I used to be the champion of injustice, publicly supporting my friends and family when they were being bullied by their spouses, other friends, parents and even their children. I’ve learned that you can’t feel on behalf of another person. Now I quietly support them. The only one who can choose to make changes in their lives is themselves. I’m doing my best not to allow their situations to trigger my own responses. I’m simply or not-so-simply their cheerleader and tissue holder.
When was the last time you felt morally compromised? What did you do?
I’m regularly told to keep my objections and opinions to myself when it comes to the demands made of me by my father (often at the insistent prodding of his wife.) I’m regularly challenged by their flexible morality and convenient hypocrisy. I did a few things: I made my objections (and the resentment that came with it) crystal clear; I physically distanced myself by moving 3.5 hours away; I emotionally distanced myself but on the occasion that it’s necessary, I have chosen to be candid and no longer hold my tongue, I voice my feelings by advocating for myself while pointing out their inconsistencies and absurdities. I’m now impeccable with my words and actions, I’m completely consistent.
What about you? How do you show up in your life with integrity?