BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Life Lessons 20
HOW DID YOUR PARENTS INFLUENCE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY?
In what way didn’t they?
I grew up in an affluent neighbourhood yet had nothing. I would go to the little steak house in “the Village” and mooch french fries from friends’ plates as I couldn’t purchase any of my own. My parents didn’t believe in providing an allowance or a way of earning money at home - you contributed to the privilege of living there. If I wanted or needed money, just ask, was their attitude. My mother had me go through a whole interrogation, and at the end, “I want money for fries when I go out with friends” was an unacceptable request, with a cruel claim that “you don’t have friends,” and then the ask was denied. It was always denied.
My dad travelled a great deal and was rarely home. He was also incredibly intimidating. Once enough gumption was gathered, the usual response was “go ask your mother, " resulting in the same “no.” It took me a long time to realize that his cop-out fed her demand for complete control of everything. It made his life easier to not interfere and pack for his next business trip.
I had an unhealthy relationship with money; I never felt worthy (notice a life theme?)
My dad gave my mother money “for the girls.” I remember distinctly one day my she walked out of her bedroom with a new pair of Ferragamo shoes that retailed for about $250 in the mid-’70s. Her question to me was, “What do you think of your new winter coat?” followed by a twisted giggle as she twirled and returned to her room. Only in grade 9 did my father learn that I didn’t have a winter coat. I needed one for a choir outing, and the current coat I was wearing had sleeves that went up to my elbows. I’d never seen him so angry (and that’s saying something, given that his nickname was “The Bear.”) I did get the coat, but it came with a lot of shame and guilt that has been difficult to shake over the many years since.
Once I left home, my relationship with money didn’t get easier, even as I had agency over my own income but not over my earnings. In an effort to learn every aspect of the company, I worked for many subsidiaries that answered to my father. More than once, when I was reviewed, I was told my job performance was exemplary and worthy of a raise or promotion. For fear of embarrassing my dad, I know I always went above and beyond, only to hear at my review, “If you want more money, go ask daddy.” Every. Single. Time.
After years of hard work, I was eventually paid what I was worth, but my husband was offered a job in Ontario during my second maternity leave. I was making 5x his salary. It was a reckless offer manipulated by the man subsidiaries answered to, leading us to move “home.” One day my father called and told me that it would be ‘emasculating’ for my husband not to be in charge of the household bills and for him to handle the household money. That was a colossal error and directly led the kids and me being financially destitute upon our divorce.
It turns out I was very good with other people’s money, not so much with my own. That has changed greatly over the years. I recognize where my flaws and wrong-headed thinking are regarding money and have done all I can to make sure my children don’t suffer the same fears or consequences.
All I can do is fix history going forward.