BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Dreams 20
WHERE DO YOU NEED TO BE THINKING BIGGER?
I came out of grief with a “what do I have to lose?” attitude. While on this plane of existence, Bill regularly pushed me well past my comfort zone in all things - and I thrived. He was so loving and encouraging; what else could I do but show up and be my whole self? Who am I to insult his memory by disagreeing with him? My experience with Bill resulted in a significant change in my confidence and my approach to life, one denied to him. I feel a gentle duty to honour his belief in me.
In order to live the life I desire (travel more, photograph more, write more), I need to put myself first and get healthy.
It sounds pretty simple, but over the last decade and longer, it’s proven to be a challenge. I need to lose weight, become more physically fit, take my medications (especially those for chronic asthma) as prescribed, attend weekly therapy, eat properly, drink more water and less wine, and sleep more restful hours. For the longest time, my priority was raising my children, focusing on my mental and spiritual health after years of abuse, becoming certified in everything, then taking care of Bill and building a business; then it was moving and getting my new home in order. All the while, I’ve been lugging around 50kg too much. (Except for the time I lost 12+ kg while caring for Bill, all of which I attribute to feeling loved and profoundly safe.)
It is unrealistic to want to have the body of my 30- or even 40-year-old self, but I’d like to have a reasonably healthy version of my 58-year-old self by the time I hit 59 in September. I’m taking the next 6-months to focus on improving my physical self with no deprivation but adding daily movement (walks, skipping rope, rebounding, stairs) to my regular weekly physiotherapy/chiropractor, acupuncture, massage therapy, and EMDR therapy. The whole idea is that I want to feel once again loved and profoundly safe within myself, not dependent on anyone else to provide it for me. I don’t believe that is in the cards for me.
I’ve used my physical limitations as an excuse for far too long. Every time I plan to start a regimen I stop due to pain. I get frozen shoulder, or plantar fasciitis, or excruciating elbow pain, or hip pain, or something that makes it impossible to continue. I need to consciously and consistently move my fear and pain aside. I’m armed with a great healing team, Tylenol and CBD products in all forms.
I thought to add a meal-prep service or personal chef to the rotation so that I eat well and eat enough. I tend to consume less than 1500 calories a day, and I know that can’t be good for me. If I can have my dogs’ raw diet created and delivered, I can do the same for myself. Then I realized I need to do the prep and cooking for myself. I know how I like my food prepared, or, to be more accurate, what my body can tolerate, the older I get, the less I can handle certain foods. That and I know what is involved in the Mediterranean meets Asian meets Hashimoto’s restrictions. As with most things in life, I have to focus on consistency - and by that, I mean consuming three meals a day: smoothie, soup or sandwich, simple protein + carb + veg dinner. Eat more, lose more? Let’s see if it’ll work.
At any rate, my dream today, the only area where I need to think bigger, is to live the rest of my life without chronic pain. For that to happen, I have to remove the cause of much of the pain: weight and inflammation. Fingers crossed!