BESTSELF™ ICEBREAKER | Courage 06
HOW DO YOU LET YOURSELF DOWN?
The better question is how in the past did I let myself down?
I allowed myself to live a life dictated by the desires of others. I didn’t trust my instincts enough to say “no, I don’t want that, I want this” or “no, I don’t want to live that way, I want to live this way.” I spent a lot of time being wrong and forcefully corrected.
I was raised in a transactional existence: if you do this you’ll get that. Not a conducive way to live your best life. You might be living a life, but it’s not your own.
The “rules” were never explicitly explained, but they were known:
Acceptance is conditional.
Submission is required.
Someone must be blamed for problems.
Vulnerability is dangerous.
You must take sides.
There is never enough love and respect to go around.
Feelings are wrong.
Competition, not cooperation, rules the day.
Appearance is more important than substance.
Rage is normalized.
There is no safety.
It took me a long time to break free of that narcissistic pattern, it was so ingrained in me. For a time I brought the abuse, denial of abuse, secrecy, neglect, unrealistic expectations, impoverishment of empathy, disrespect for boundaries an ongoing conflict into my marriage with a willing participant who was equally acquainted with the rules.
That said, I never felt like I was the victim, indeed, I simply thought it was normal behaviour until, through time and experience, I realized that it wasn’t. My natural instincts, which went in direct opposition to all those “rules” were confirmed over time, solidified after my first eye-opening read of Dr. Brené Brown’s brilliant The Gifts of Imperfection which confirmed for me that strength and character are found in vulnerability and emotion. My instincts had been right and I needed to find - and trust - them again. I have spent the last decade and longer focusing on showing up in a life I want and have earned. I now have the right tools to support my healing and my future.
“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
Now that I have divested myself of (most) negative influences in my life, I do my best to show up for myself, my children, my friends, and my community every day. I embrace my instincts and stay open to experiencing things that are both new to me as well as reinforce my well-earned sense of independence.
The key for me was learning that I was safe at all times and that home is always found within me.
The only way I could possibly let myself down would be to subject myself to repeating past behaviours, closing up and building walls. I can’t see a world in which that would ever happen - and I hope that if I did start down that path that I have plenty of children, friends and community to point it out to me and catch it early!
I honour my heart, my instincts, and my choices not to spite anyone or to make life difficult, but because it is authentic and honest. It can be hard to be so open and exposed, but I’m making up for the lost time. It is a delight to feel things rather than armouring up every day and deflecting life.