LIFE | Plans Ahead

Let me start with the end: my future looks bright!

A while back, I came across an article, and many others since, that got me thinking about my current relationship status, a situation a number of friends believe needs to be rectified. Many are encouraging me to “get out there” by which they mean “get an online profile” which I had resisted. I know they’re coming from a place of love and concern. To some, the idea of being alone is the worst fate imaginable - to me, what would be far worse would be settling.

It’s no surprise to me that many women have elected to stay single. After all, in this society, if you are a smart, capable, vibrant woman, what does having a man in your life give you?

My relationships have run the gamut. I’ve had a number of healthy and unhealthy relationships - I contributed to the good and the bad. With time and distance, I can see where things went off the rails, or were wrong from the start, or were completely physical and not terribly rewarding, or filled with toxic gaslighting and abusive behaviour, or as in the case of my last relationship - how loving with your whole being is the most rewarding experience, watching someone come alive (the irony is not lost) under your consistent care, attention, and guidance is truly breathtaking. I can’t imagine co-creating another partnership so deeply rooted in love and truth - though it’s kind of nice to know that I possess the ability to foster and participate in a healthy, mutual, respectful, passionate, patient, vulnerable, supportive, and trusting relationship.

I remember when Bill, terribly sick at the time, told me he couldn’t wait to get up off the couch and get back to work at our fledgling company so that he could provide for me. I think my laughter surprised him, perhaps even insulted him. “Sweetheart, you can’t provide for me, you can’t even afford me.” And that was the truth. He smiled and leaned back on the pillows, this was followed by a wonderful conversation about expectations and social conditioning. My god, I miss our conversations! At any rate, it ended with me asking whether he’d prefer me to need him or to want him. He knew I didn’t need him and was delighted to realize that for the first time in his life he was wanted, accepted completely for himself. That’s a rare thing to love unconditionally - to give and to receive. At this point, we had gone through some substantial ups and some desperate downs. There is no such thing as a perfect person, just one who is perfect for you. That means there’s going to be some baggage you’ll have to work through. You’ve got to figure out if the emotional currency it’s going to cost you is worth it.

I recently went on a date thinking that I was ready for it, open to the possibility of a potential relationship. It was a perfectly fine lunch, with a perfectly lovely person, at a perfectly good spot - there was conversation and laughter. By all accounts, a good time was had by all. For me, it opened up a whole inner conversation that started with why am I doing this? to what end? what is in it for me? Yep, full-on panic.

I might want a man’s company on occasion, but I’ve realized in the course of a 24-hour day, that those instances are few. Coffee? Yes. Dinner and Drinks? Count me in. Good conversation? Sure. A hockey game, movie, or museum? Why not. Fix something broken? Please. A long walk or hike? Sounds good. Travel? Let me pack. Intimacy? 100%. I’m open and willing to meet and spend mutually enjoyable time with new people, and likely will. I’m simply not interested in the mental load of the housekeeping drudgery: cooking, nursing, cleaning, shopping.

I’ve managed to craft a life exactly as I want it and filled it with the people and activities that consistently make me happy. I’m willing to pair up with someone who truly enriches my life. And, with that said, I am no longer looking. On a lark, I spent the last couple of months on Match.com. It was informative, often fun, and sometimes outrageous. I just deleted the app. That’s not the way I’m going to find someone so I’ve taken myself out of the pool.

My life is full and my heart is happy. Many of my friends have expressed concern telling me that I’m not wired to be alone, that I deserve a special person in my life. While that may be true, I’m going to walk my talk. Whatever is meant for me will find me, that includes whoever, too. All I have to do is keep my heart open to the possibility while fully engaging in my life. Whoever finds me will somehow seamlessly blend into my days and that’s how I prefer it. No big production, no complicated meet cute, no set-ups - one day he’ll simply be there liking some of the things I like and willing to teach me some of the things he likes. Simple.

Life ahead looks promising filled with friends, family, travel (after my 4th dose), laughter, stories, adventure, curiosity, and peace; it will continue to be whole and fulfilling, overflowing with all of the countless things that make me happy. I may be alone, but I’m never lonely!